Ignorance is bliss, no doubt about it. I have always been a socially conscious person, my father made sure we knew that the underdog was always the person we stood up for. I remember always being the one who stepped in on the school ground and sticking up for others, it was normalized in our house to do that. Once the Christian backdrop melted away from our lives (Can ’God’ in the form of Christian be a phase? I think so) I could realize that the ideologies my parents instilled in me were just plain socialist.
How depressing. Becoming conscious and really aware of what is going on around you can make you crazy; how can you see the injustices of our culture and not be blown away that not everyone can see them or that people can see them but choose to ignore them. I decided feminism was something that I really took to and the more I learned the more frustrated I became with how we operate. So last summer, I really began to challenge myself and see what I was made of… I actively began to reject mainstream ideologies but, nooo it wasn’t enough to simply think them; I decided I had to live/embody them (I am a big fan of learning through experience instead of simply reading something)
It all made sense and no sense when I actively disfigured my looks by rejecting makeup (not that I was ever really reliant on it but not being able to use it when i was feeling low about my appearance was hard) chopping 10 inches of hair off and gaining weight (this was the hardest part and I didn’t become aware that I did this b/c it was so subconscious). I actively spoke out (I am a people pleaser at heart) and I called people on it and questioned them when they made racist or sexist comments (not in an attacking manner but just a critical way to see if they noticed it)
While all of this was going on I was doing research on identity for a category of people that I feel into. This caused much question even further about my native identity and my mother’s adoption and not really knowing my native side. It was a fucked up summer to say the least. Note the before and after pics:
Before – I am on the Left (Summer 2005)
After – Summer 2006
Needless to say a direct result of my embodying experience was that I smoked a lot of weed, which further complicated things – b/c nothing is worse than heightening the experience of confusion via bongs. I was miserable and so confused by doing this, yet so enlightened. The ‘identity crisis’ of all of it challenged me in ways that I could never get through a book and by accepting a position in life that allowed me minimal control (I really felt like a naked chicken for the most part of it – my security was shot) I gained real control. Go figure, when I accepted that I had no control was when I gained control and the most grounded I have ever been.
10 months later things are way better. I have discovered the art of subtly, how not to alienate my peers, or not to sound elitist (a big problem before) or being able to simply enjoy things and not always let the world’s problems fall on me all in one day. Case in point: when I went to the ‘Toys for Tots’ at the hockey game (pure chance that my dad had free tickets for that night) and as all the stuffed animals were thrown on the ice to give impoverished children a better x-mas I was ready to vomit. I couldn’t reconcile that the toys purchased for impoverished children, who had homes, food and access to education, access to running water even were possibly and likely made by children who didn’t have these things. This still bothers me.
Anyways, this of course is all a response to C. Wright Mills’ idea that as social scientists we are obligated to raise awareness, and I think we are. Some of us need to go to the edge and back to understand that. I think that is where our passion comes from; it keeps us in check to remind us how good we have it, by rejecting what we so often take for granted. It personally has balanced me and leaves me wanting less material and more nonmaterial.
Our activism can be as simply as mentioning to your friend that flushing floss down the toilet clogs the sewer systems or that Tim Horton’s doesn’t use fair trade coffee, but after much public scrutiny Starbucks now provides infrastructure to communities involved in coffee farming (this can actually be better than fair trade b/c nothing says that if you pay the farmer fair prices for the coffee that the workers wages will increase – so wells, schools, and medical clinics benefits the workers in a sustainable way). Just some thoughts from a realistic idealist.
Um wow. That is quite the post. I can relate to some of the rages you said you’ve felt, but I can definitely not say that they affected me like they did you or that I’d take such extreme measures. Maybe I’m what you’d call a hypocrite or something along those lines, because I hate that women have to look a certain way, yet I wear makeup and go to the gym (yet that one’s to be healthy). I would defnitely never chop off my hair and do alot of weed but kudos. What you said about the Toys for Tots thing, yes, that grinds my gears too, but not to the extent that it makes me want to vomit. BUT i DO tell people not to leave the water running when they’re brushing their teeth. And sometimes when my somewhat oldfashioned parentals make a racist joke I give them a piece of my mind. So I guess I’m not what you’d call an extreme activist, but I do what little I can. I’m glad you figured out how to still be an activist without letting all the world’s problems weigh you down all the time and bitching everyone else out. I appreciate your insane passion. Buh bye.
Great personal post. It’s brave of you to self-analyze and let everyone in on your very personal experiences. I think the transformation you’re describing is the difference between retreatism and rebellion (if you remember your Merton). I went through a similar metamophosis as a younger man, too: Dreadlocked my hair, smoked copious amounts of ganja, tried to hitch-hike to South America to find a wholesome, non-material, money-free way of life (only made it to Guatemala). In retrospect, these actions seem selfish. I was escaping my way of life and rejecting materialism, but not doing the world any good in the process. Years later I realize that I can do more good as a secret rebel, infiltrating the system from within, and changing it with the power I acquire. So I conform for now… always biding my time and waiting for the perfect moment to revive Guy Fawkes day (kidding). But seriously, now I want to change the world for more than just myself. The more I empower myself, the more of a positive influence I can be. And now, instead of regretting my wasted years, I can gain strength from them. Dabbling in certain circles give you a more grounded perspective and some street cred for when we become professionals. We are blessed that we have the chance to go to the edge and come back. Let’s make the best of it!
Your post was inspiring and brought back fond memories, thanks!
La Joie De Vivre